I used to think it was a figment of my imagination. That I was simply hypersensitive around the anniversary of Laynee's accident and, therefore, normal life events seemed bigger or more difficult at that time. But it's true, unpleasant things happen around that time, things that drag me down even further. I no longer think it's my imagination nor do I think it's mere happenstance. It is the enemy of souls attacking when I am at my weakest, most vulnerable state. He seeks to destroy me. That's the ugly truth.
The beautiful truth is that "God meant it for God."
This past heaven day anniversary was no different. A series of events took place that left me feeling wounded and exhausted. Within a matter of days my emotions ran through the cycle of grief, over and over again. Stunned. Angry. Exhausted. Hurt. Broken. I could feel the battle raging within my own heart. One side wailing, "I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore." The other side quietly whispering, "Learn from this. Find the good in this. Grow from this."
I spent a great deal of time in prayer. I shed many, many tears. And through it all my eyes were opened to areas of my own life where I could do better, things that I need to change. I had been blinded by my own, often times, desperate need and didn't see the painfully obvious truth.
God uses those moments, when we are at our lowest, to refine us.
I am a huge fan of radio minister, Pastor David Jeremiah. I listen to him faithfully every day as a regular part of my morning routine In the midst of all the events that took place over the last weeks, when my heart was struggling to right itself, David Jeremiah spoke words that seemed to penetrate through all of the ugliness.
"The vine dresser is never closer to the vine than when he is pruning it."
Pruning hurts. Having our eyes opened to our own failures and inadequacies hurts. But it is in those times, when we are low and battles rage, that God draws near and whispers "I meant it for good."
"You intended to harm me but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done."
God is good, all the time